As a kid I was an extremely messy, super hoarder-y person. I almost hyperventilated when somewhere around second grade my mom suggested that perhaps we didn't need to keep every single paper I ever brought home from school, and I definitely kept mental track of every toy and piece of clothing I had and fished them out of the trash/donation bin any time she tried to sneak something out that I didn't need or use anymore. I even hoarded a dead pet fish once because I couldn't bear the thought of parting with it. I can't possibly describe the face my dad made when he found it a week later.
But, somewhere along the way (late high school? College? Just after? I suspect having to pack and unpack and move around a lot had something to do with it), I began to abhor clutter. Having too much stuff, especially stuff I didn't really use anymore, started to bother me. Don't get me wrong, I was still super sentimental about stuff & had a hard time parting with stuff if it still seemed kinda-sorta semi-useful, but the time and effort and energy spent dealing with extra stuff sometimes started to win out.
I think every time I've moved, I've gotten a little more annoyed by clutter (mostly having to move & store it) & a little more courageous about thinning the herd of things I don't really use (including sentimental stuff). More and more I appreciate open, empty spaces and the idea that every material object I own pulls its psychic weight in some way.
So, when I first ran across The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I was intrigued. Not every detail of Marie Kondo's now-famous system resonated with me, but I found it thought-provoking and definitely found a number of her suggestions useful. And I really liked the underlying message (or, at least, it seemed to me) of really, truly appreciating the material belongings you have and avoiding the consumerist trap of more is always better. As with most self-help-type things (and I am kind of a self-help junkie!), I basically took what seemed useful to me & ignored the rest.
Unless you've been living under a rock you've probably heard that Marie Kondo now has a Netflix series of the same name where a person or family or couple request Marie's help with organizing & decluttering their space. Marie & her interpreter then descend on the home in question and lovingly (so lovingly!) guide the clients through a month-long process of "KonMari-ing" their space.
Friends, I binged the whole first season over the winter holidays & I regret nothing.
(It is that time of year again, so reposting this seemed appropriate. Enjoy. :) )
* * *
It looks like a smile, but it's really a scream for help. PUT THE FREE WEIGHTS DOWN, CINDY.
Seriously. You are making the rest of us so, so sad for you.
I don't know how to tell you this, but every time you start listing practical tips for staying fit & healthy during the holidays, everyone is laughing at you and definitely not taking notes.
Here is a list of real-ass "helpful holiday fitness tips" I have actually heard or read over the past week or so that have made me throw up a bit in my mouth with embarrassment for those doling them out:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In addition to maintaining your normal exercise schedule, squeeze in an extra workout or two whenever you can. You know, in all that extra free time you have around the holidays. Bring your free weights to office meetings. Do laps around the cell phone lot as you wait for loved ones at the airport. The possibilities are endless. (I prefer wine aerobics and cookie yoga, myself.)
After a midday holiday meal, convince your friends & family to go for a fun, festive post meal jog or walk. GODDDDD please don't be this person. Please. You want to go for a fun, festive calorie-burning walk/run? By all means go for it. But please don't attempt to browbeat the rest of us who kind of just want to sit on our asses and shoot the shit with a glass of whiskey with people we only ever get to see once a year. Don't be that guy/gal.
Before you go to a party, decide ahead of time to limit yourself to three bites, three cookies, your three favorite foods, etc. and stick to it. Yes, limit yourself. To three bites, or three cookies, your three favorite foods, three foods of each color, three plates of food, three foods that remind you of each person at the party, three vats of artificially colored cookie frosting, etc. Again, the possibilities are endless. You do you.
Buy a low-fat, low-sugar eggnog and skip the alcohol to save calories per cup. Or, you could skip directly to stabbing yourself in the throat. :D
Enlist a fitness-minded friend or family member to be your holiday exercise buddy! Look. Those of us who want any kind of exercise buddy probably already have one. Those of us who don't want you to stop talking about this because you're making it weird for everyone.
Instead of baking cookies or playing board games, pass the time with an active pursuit like snowshoeing, hiking, or building snowmen or igloos. Recent studies show that holiday board games are definitely, DEFINITELY a leading cause of the Obesifying Of AmericaTM. Probably also terrorism. GET OUT THOSE SNOWSHOES, PEOPLE.
Instead of mulled red wine, make mulled cider. You save the calories not only from the alcohol in the wine, but also from the added sugar, since cider is naturally sweet. You know what makes cider 'naturally sweet'? FUCKING SUGAR. See also: Stabbing oneself in the throat.
Instead of dark meat slathered in gravy, choose lower-fat white meat without the skin and enjoy it with just a drizzle of gravy made with defatted pan juices, dry white wine, and low-sodium chicken broth. If you come to my holiday dinner and start talking about 'defatted pan juices,' we are so over. SO. OVER.
Bring your own healthy snacks to the holiday party. Yes, please totally be that sad person sitting in the corner eating celery sticks and homemade GMO-free hummus out of your sad little tupperware while you gaze longingly at your Three Favorite Foods. It won't be weird or awkward for ANYONE, TRUST ME.
Skip the baking; you probably eat more cookies while baking. Fuck that noise. You wanna bake? Fucking bake. YOU BAKE THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE FESTIVE HOLIDAY COOKIES AND EAT AS MANY AS YOU WANT. You baddass motherfucker, you.
Invite holiday vacation visitors to join you at the gym or a favorite exercise class. No. NO. NOOOOOO. Trust me; they do not not NOT want you to do this. HOLIDAY. VACATION. Look it up.
Do some yard work. What?
Lace up your sneakers and powerwalk between holiday errands at the mall. This is definitely not the saddest, most depressing thing related to exercise I've ever heard. Definitely, definitely not. (See also: stabbing in the throat.)
When traveling for the holidays, bring along a favorite fitness DVD and yoga mat. ARE. YOU. JOKING.
Eat and chew slowly. Take a second to savor each bite of baked brie or scoop of spiced nuts! Oh, so it's not enough that I'm packing my own fitness DVD and drinking sad teetotaler eggnog and powerwalking the mall between murdering children errands, now I have to monitor my chew-rate? IS THERE SOME KIND OF APP FOR THAT???!?!?
Turn away from temptation by facing away from the dessert spread. Don't worry, your chew-monitoring app probably also comes with DessertCompassTM.
Choose a tall, skinny glass instead of a short, squat one; you'll drink less. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha wanna bet? (Or, maybe your chew-monitoring app also comes with CupChooserTM.)
Sneak puréed veggies into baked goods in place of butter or oil. Bitch, I will straight-up cut you.
When baking [IF YOU MUST], try subbing half the flour with whole-wheat flour to increase the fiber, which fills you up faster & makes you feel fuller longer. You guys, sorry to be the killer of dreams, but I have spent way too much time sitting in a sports nutritionist's office and the whole wheat flour thing is 90% bullshit.
Stand up to "food pushers" -- Just say no, over and over and over again! Is this, like, the grown-up equivalent of the war on drugs? You would actually think it's that serious, based what WebMD has to say about the matter: "Despite your best laid plans, your holiday food goals can still go awry thanks to 'food pushers' – friends, family members, and co-workers who refuse to take 'no' for an answer when they're offering fattening treats. These are the people who, for whatever reason, seem to believe that their holiday celebration just isn't complete until they get you to give in to their food weaknesses.' YOU GUYS, DON'T GIVE IN TO THEIR FOOD WEAKNESSES, NOOOOOOO! J/K, you eat WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, you baddass motherfucker.
(RealTalk: OK, sure, I agree that this is SUPER weird behavior that some people definitely engage in, but it's not limited to the holidays, and part of being a grown-ass adult is learning how to politely say 'No thank you' with a lovely smile plastered on your face when a thing is not your jam. So, like, stop making it weird, WebMD. This is not about Teh Holidayzzz or getting fat.)
Instead of trying to squeeze exercise into your schedule, take other things out. Like parties. And alcohol. And baking. And free-form chewing. Basically, anything that might bring you joy for half a second.
Skip the savory finger foods, creamy dips, and fried canapés, help yourself to a small handful of nuts, reduced-fat cheese and fresh fruit, or chilled shrimp. I have an idea, what if you helped yourself to whatever the fuck you felt like eating and didn't make a big deal out of it?
Honestly, you want my tips for staying fit & healthy during the holiday (AND I THINK YOU DO)?
Eat like a normal person most of the time & have a tasty holiday treat or two when you goddamn feel like it.
Do your normal exercise when you can but do not feel bad & flagellate yourself if you are sometimes too busy kissing under the mistletoe or slapping under the slappy spider or just feel like today you're more interested in wine/pie/polishing off that whiskey advent calendar.
Stop talking about it like it's a thing. Everyone is laughing at you.
Before we get to the main event today, I thought I would just mention that yes, I am still love love LOVING running right now & basically want to do it all the time. I ran 183 miles in July and could have run even more if I weren't restraining myself for the sake of not getting hurt before my CIM training even starts. I have run more than that in a consecutive 30 day period a few times in the last couple of years, but I have been logging miles in RunningAhead since 2011 & the closest I've ever come to running that much in one calendar month was October 2011 at 178 miles. Here's hoping that my enthusiasm & free time continues to cooperate between now and December 4.
But enough about that. Friends, the time has once again come to paste some dumb fitspo / runspo into a blog post and examine the wisdom therein.
I will skip the part where Jillian Michaels tells you how to lose 5-8 POUNDS THIS WEEK!!! by drinking nothing but kale juice and despair and jump directly to the hilarity.
(You're welcome.)
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: False. If you're in the middle of a tough training cycle and think you might feel a niggling injury coming on, for example, this is EXACTLY the question you should be asking. If you are signed up for a marathon this weekend and come down with the flu on Friday, this is EXACTLY the thought that should be running through your head (for about two seconds before you remember you're not a complete moron). There are times when you probably shouldn't be running, even if you want to or are "supposed" to, and doing it anyway doesn't make you "hardcore" or "baddass" or whatever; it just makes you kind of an idiot who can't think beyond the short-term.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk:Why would you even say this? This is not a thing people are worried about. Like, I could see a hat that was all, "No lady ever got so ripped she looked like a man from lifting weights two hours a week," because that is a thing that, although equally impossible, some people are actually worried about. But drowning in sweat? No. No one is worried about that.
(Also, gross. Why would you even bring up that image?)
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: Look. A, you don't have to "suck it in." And B, if the implication here is that having to "suck it in" means you're not skinny, I've got some news for you. Plenty of hardcore, baddass people in this world "suck it up" early & often & are not skinny. And finally C, if all your chosen form of physical activity is for you is something you have to "suck up," then maybe it's not the right form of exercise for you & you should look for something different that you actually, like, enjoy.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: I've said it before and I will say it again: Quitting the right things at the right times is a life skill that all adults should seek to master. It's not a character flaw. (I also just kind of have beef with the phrase 'character flaw.' If you tend to quit at the wrong times or refuse to quit at the right times, maybe it's something you should reflect & work on in your life, but 'character flaw' has an unfortunate note of finality about it.)
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: If something hurts every morning you are doing it wrong. Seek professional help plzthnx.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: It's...I just....what?
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: What does this even mean? How do you forget your are running? Is that actually a thing? Does this happen to people?
And speaking of beginnings...
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: I understand the sentiment, here, but let me just say, I have done some damn fine living nestled right inside my comfort zone. Mostly involving brunch and/or wine.
(Seriously, though, so much love for whoever straight up pinned this recipe for banana split bites right up in the 'Health & Fitness' feed. Sir or Madame, you are my spirit animal.)
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: FALSE. I tried this once and it turns out that if you throw all your bills in the trash you actually end up losing some stuff you might want like electricity and running water and your car and your house.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: What the actual f***? Are you a runner or a terrible high school poet? LESS TALKING MORE DOING.
(Also, running until you cry and/or collapse = doing it wrong. Like. Really wrong.)
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: Stop when I'm tired? *When*?? Bitch, I can't REMEMBER the last time I wasn't tired. How does tired even enter into it? If I stopped when I was tired I'd spend the afternoon passed out on the couch every damn day. Shit.
Any other awful Pinterest memes/fitspo you'd like me to mock? I'm here all week.
It looks like a smile, but it's really a scream for help. PUT THE FREE WEIGHTS DOWN, CINDY.
Seriously. You are making the rest of us so, so sad for you.
I don't know how to tell you this, but every time you start listing practical tips for staying fit & healthy during the holidays, everyone is laughing at you and definitely not taking notes.
Here is a list of real-ass "helpful holiday fitness tips" I have actually heard or read over the past week or so that have made me throw up a bit in my mouth with embarrassment for those doling them out:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In addition to maintaining your normal exercise schedule, squeeze in an extra workout or two whenever you can. You know, in all that extra free time you have around the holidays. Bring your free weights to office meetings. Do laps around the cell phone lot as you wait for loved ones at the airport. The possibilities are endless. (I prefer wine aerobics and cookie yoga, myself.)
After a midday holiday meal, convince your friends & family to go for a fun, festive post meal jog or walk. GODDDDD please don't be this person. Please. You want to go for a fun, festive calorie-burning walk/run? By all means go for it. But please don't attempt to browbeat the rest of us who kind of just want to sit on our asses and shoot the shit with a glass of whiskey with people we only ever get to see once a year. Don't be that guy/gal.
Before you go to a party, decide ahead of time to limit yourself to three bites, three cookies, your three favorite foods, etc. and stick to it. Yes, limit yourself. To three bites, or three cookies, your three favorite foods, three foods of each color, three plates of food, three foods that remind you of each person at the party, three vats of artificially colored cookie frosting, etc. Again, the possibilities are endless. You do you.
Buy a low-fat, low-sugar eggnog and skip the alcohol to save calories per cup. Or, you could skip directly to stabbing yourself in the throat. :D
Enlist a fitness-minded friend or family member to be your holiday exercise buddy! Look. Those of us who want any kind of exercise buddy probably already have one. Those of us who don't want you to stop talking about this because you're making it weird for everyone.
Instead of baking cookies or playing board games, pass the time with an active pursuit like snowshoeing, hiking, or building snowmen or igloos. Recent studies show that holiday board games are definitely, DEFINITELY a leading cause of the Obesifying Of AmericaTM. Probably also terrorism. GET OUT THOSE SNOWSHOES, PEOPLE.
Instead of mulled red wine, make mulled cider. You save the calories not only from the alcohol in the wine, but also from the added sugar, since cider is naturally sweet. You know what makes cider 'naturally sweet'? FUCKING SUGAR. See also: Stabbing oneself in the throat.
Instead of dark meat slathered in gravy, choose lower-fat white meat without the skin and enjoy it with just a drizzle of gravy made with defatted pan juices, dry white wine, and low-sodium chicken broth. If you come to my holiday dinner and start talking about 'defatted pan juices,' we are so over. SO. OVER.
Bring your own healthy snacks to the holiday party. Yes, please totally be that sad person sitting in the corner eating celery sticks and homemade GMO-free hummus out of your sad little tupperware while you gaze longingly at your Three Favorite Foods. It won't be weird or awkward for ANYONE, TRUST ME.
Skip the baking; you probably eat more cookies while baking. Fuck that noise. You wanna bake? Fucking bake. YOU BAKE THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE FESTIVE HOLIDAY COOKIES AND EAT AS MANY AS YOU WANT. You baddass motherfucker, you.
Invite holiday vacation visitors to join you at the gym or a favorite exercise class. No. NO. NOOOOOO. Trust me; they do not not NOT want you to do this. HOLIDAY. VACATION. Look it up.
Do some yard work. What?
Lace up your sneakers and powerwalk between holiday errands at the mall. This is definitely not the saddest, most depressing thing related to exercise I've ever heard. Definitely, definitely not. (See also: stabbing in the throat.)
When traveling for the holidays, bring along a favorite fitness DVD and yoga mat. ARE. YOU. JOKING.
Eat and chew slowly. Take a second to savor each bite of baked brie or scoop of spiced nuts! Oh, so it's not enough that I'm packing my own fitness DVD and drinking sad teetotaler eggnog and powerwalking the mall between murdering children errands, now I have to monitor my chew-rate? IS THERE SOME KIND OF APP FOR THAT???!?!?
Turn away from temptation by facing away from the dessert spread. Don't worry, your chew-monitoring app probably also comes with DessertCompassTM.
Choose a tall, skinny glass instead of a short, squat one; you'll drink less. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha wanna bet? (Or, maybe your chew-monitoring app also comes with CupChooserTM.)
Sneak puréed veggies into baked goods in place of butter or oil. Bitch, I will straight-up cut you.
When baking [IF YOU MUST], try subbing half the flour with whole-wheat flour to increase the fiber, which fills you up faster & makes you feel fuller longer. You guys, sorry to be the killer of dreams, but I have spent way too much time sitting in a sports nutritionist's office and the whole wheat flour thing is 90% bullshit.
Stand up to "food pushers" -- Just say no, over and over and over again! Is this, like, the grown-up equivalent of the war on drugs? You would actually think it's that serious, based what WebMD has to say about the matter: "Despite your best laid plans, your holiday food goals can still go awry thanks to 'food pushers' – friends, family members, and co-workers who refuse to take 'no' for an answer when they're offering fattening treats. These are the people who, for whatever reason, seem to believe that their holiday celebration just isn't complete until they get you to give in to their food weaknesses.' YOU GUYS, DON'T GIVE IN TO THEIR FOOD WEAKNESSES, NOOOOOOO! J/K, you eat WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, you baddass motherfucker.
(RealTalk: OK, sure, I agree that this is SUPER weird behavior that some people definitely engage in, but it's not limited to the holidays, and part of being a grown-ass adult is learning how to politely say 'No thank you' with a lovely smile plastered on your face when a thing is not your jam. So, like, stop making it weird, WebMD. This is not about Teh Holidayzzz or getting fat.)
Instead of trying to squeeze exercise into your schedule, take other things out. Like parties. And alcohol. And baking. And free-form chewing. Basically, anything that might bring you joy for half a second.
Skip the savory finger foods, creamy dips, and fried canapés, help yourself to a small handful of nuts, reduced-fat cheese and fresh fruit, or chilled shrimp. I have an idea, what if you helped yourself to whatever the fuck you felt like eating and didn't make a big deal out of it?
Honestly, you want my tips for staying fit & healthy during the holiday (AND I THINK YOU DO)?
Eat like a normal person most of the time & have a tasty holiday treat or two when you goddamn feel like it.
Do your normal exercise when you can but do not feel bad & flagellate yourself if you are sometimes too busy kissing under the mistletoe or slapping under the slappy spider or just feel like today you're more interested in wine/pie/polishing off that whiskey advent calendar.
Stop talking about it like it's a thing. Everyone is laughing at you.
Man, it is just like me to write a post about how great I feel and how easy my training has been, up to & including 21 warm-ish miles, & then basically crash for a week. Part of this is due to work, which is really stressful right now & taking up a lot of my time & causing me to not get enough sleep. Basically this week I've done nothing but work, sleep, & run, & not really in a super-structured way; more just juggling them all around & fitting them in when & where I can.
In the mean time I wanted to tell you about this one fairly well-known women's active wear brand, whom I will not call out by name because I'm not a completely horrible person. Although I have to say that I do like a lot of their clothes & have bought several things from them. Their catalogs tend to be a little ridiculous, though, and I feel like the most recent one was more ridiculous than most. From what I gather, they are planning me a yoga/fitness retreat in Rio (but not paying for it, mind you. TYPICAL).
This is, I feel, the only logical conclusion I can draw based on pages like this one:
Thank GOD, this has been keeping me up at night.
But it isn't all cute outfits & boutique yoga in Rio. Sometimes, apparently, it is cute outfits and making the world your gym.
Because doing push-ups on a tire is *totally* on my Rio to-do list.
Once you get tired of doing push-ups on a tire, you can relax with some weighted lunges:
Good thing I get this catalog. How else would I know how to UP THE ANTE on my resistance training????? #ante #uppingit #sandbags
I hope I have rescued you from a BORING Rio getaway where you end up doing nothing but sitting on a bunch of BORING beaches or hiking BORING scenery or exploring BORING STUPID historical landmarks. Now you know to go straight for the tires!
At 4am this past Saturday, I got up and drove to Carmichael (Sacramento, basically) for the American River Parkway Half. Initially I signed up for this race because I kind of just wanted to race a half marathon after NVM & see what I could do. After talking to Coaches Tom & Ashley, though, I decided not to try to race. They felt that 9 weeks wasn't really enough time post-marathon to put up a strong enough half to make it worth sacrificing time for taper/recovery. So for a while I kept going back and forth about what I wanted to use the race for, and finally decided on trying to run goal marathon pace (8:00 miles) & seeing how it felt.
I would like to preface this race report by saying that this race was one of my most deeply unpleasant & miserable race experiences in recent memory (short of ones where I did serious injury to myself, which, spoiler, thankfully did NOT happen!). I mean it was so absurdly miserable at some points that in retrospect it's actually kind of funny. Still, if you are really into cheery, heart-warming race reports involving a lot of talk about personal mantras & believing in oneself & non-ironic uses of the word 'gratitude', you may be disappointed.
(If, on the other hand, you're into snarky gifs, I humbly submit it may be right up your alley!)
If I had a personal mantra throughout this race, it was definitely "F#@$ All Y'all." Bonus points for anyone who can get it for me on one of those cute little Kara Goucher necklaces.
My first observation upon getting out of the car at 6:30: It was not cold. I knew right then that my original race plan was in trouble.
The race website had listed historical weather conditions/averages (51° by 7:00 am, 53° by 8:00, 60 by
10:00, 64° by 11:00), so I'd done the mental math & figured, well, I'll be done by 9:30ish, so I should be running in 50-something temps the whole time, which is totally reasonable.
The day before, I checked the forecast, which called for slightly warmer temps (~65ish by 9:30 or thereabouts, I think), but also full sun. Now, despite the fact that I've run a number of races in the mid-to-upper 60s on black top in full sun, I always really, really want to believe that this will be perfectly fine, slightly-warm-but-perfectly-reasonable running weather, and not at all like running in the ninth circle of hell. Every time, I swear it will be the last time I let myself be fooled. For whatever reason, though, that lesson has yet to sink in.
(Also, I just can't not mention the ridiculously high percentage of runners/walkers decked out in tights and long sleeve shirts. Just looking at them made me sweaty. I even overheard one woman telling another, "I had no idea it would be so cold! I'm shivering," and her friend reply, "I know, I'm sooo glad I wore layers." Part of me wanted to shake them and yell, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??? IT'S 6:30 AND ALREADY NEARLY 60 DEGREES!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY *IDEA* HOW MISERABLE IT'S GOING TO BE OUT THERE? DO YOU?!?!?11?"
On the other hand, at least race organization was quite smooth, & the little tent city erected by the start/finish was easy to navigate. The first bit of staging I encountered was a beautiful line of port-a-potties with almost no lines. Then I went in search of the bib table, where again, I only had to wait behind one person (and only because her last name fell in the same range of letters as mine; the other volunteers passing out bibs had no line at all). I also walked right up & got my shirt.
Now that it was 6:45, I found myself with some time to kill. My loose plan was to do all my race prep (sunscreen, BodyGlide, hair, FlipBelt, bib, etc.), watch the walkers' race start at 7:15, then jog 2 easy miles before the runners' start at 7:45. (I thought it was cool that there were not only two separate starts for the runners and walkers but also two completely separate courses, both out-and-backs that headed in two different directions.)
The walkers' start
I am a weenie about cold and most of the time wait until the last possible moment to ditch my warm-ups, but this time I didn't even bother putting them back on after slathering up, and was already sweating after one easy warm-up mile in one of my thinnest, lightest tops. Not a good sign.
At 7:40 I lined up at the 8:00 min/mile sign, the Folsom High School jazz choir sang the National Anthem (OMG *SUCH* a huge improvement over the amateurish solo performances most races get), the horn sounded, and we were off.
Runners' start. For the record, the 23-year-old baddass in the yellow top is Olivia Mickle, who a) has a blog and b) went on to win this thing in 1:17:34.
As with Foster City Ten Miler, my biggest issue in the first few miles was overriding the "RACE!!!!" reflex and trying not to go out too fast. My legs really wanted to run more like a 7:30-7:40ish pace and I spent a lot of time looking at my watch and trying to slow my breathing and relax, particularly since the sun was already getting hot and I suspected that if I was really going to try to hold an 8:00 pace, this race could end up being a lot harder later on than I'd anticipated. My first mile was 7:59 and I knew that was still too fast this early if I was trying to average eights.
The first couple of miles weren't too bad because there was more shade, but by the time we hit mile 3 there was less and less of it and more and more time fully exposed to direct sun. By the end of that mile I could tell I was working way harder than I should be to stay in the 8:00-8:10 range, which was a big blow to my morale because the whole point had been to practice marathon pace and I didn't really have a plan B. Should I try to hold the pace anyway, knowing it would be harder in the heat, and treat it as practice running the inevitably tougher second half of a marathon? Forget about pace & just try to run at marathon effort? Give up on marathon practice altogether & just get the long run miles in? Eventually I decided I'd just hold 8:00 pace as long as I could, and if I needed to run the last few miles at an easier pace, that was fine.
Mile 1 - 7:59
Mile 2 - 8:03
Mile 3 - 8:02
Through mile 4 I really struggled to stay positive because I could already tell how much the rest of this race was going to hurt. We'd run through a shaded section and I'd think, "This isn't so bad! I can totally hold this pace for 9 more miles, no problem. I can totally do this." Then the shade would end and immediately I'd be like, "NOPE! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope," and the idea that there were still over eight more left to go would become utterly depressing.
Then we hit mile 5, which comprised a) a terrifyingly brief and steep downhill to go under a bridge, followed by b) a brief and barely runnable uphill, and c) a looooong, gradual uphill on gravel with absolutely zero shade.
My first thought upon hitting the gravel:
I actually don't think I have the capability to express to you how much I HATE running on gravel. Add to that an ENTIRE MILE of uphill in direct sun with nary a tree or aid station in sight?
No.
Just no.
I'm pretty sure I made it through that stretch purely on spite and the knowledge that if I collapsed and died now I would be unable to murder anyone for this god-forsaken stretch of hell's asshole after the race.
Mile 6 included another sharp downhill/back uphill to go under another bridge, and another long, fully exposed stretch toward the turnaround.
At this point I was way slowing down at aid stations, grabbing a cup of Gatorade to drink plus as many cups of water as I could carry to pour all over myself. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that for the entire rest of the race there was no period of time during which I was not desperately thirsty.
Mile 4 - 8:12
Mile 5 - 8:07
Mile 6 - 8:00
This picture is here so you can notice how my top is so completely, 100% soaked that it's sticking to me. I even had blisters from wet socks.
My inner optimist (not dead yet!) was super excited to reach the turnaround, but was then almost immediately deflated by the thought that I still had over six miles of this business left to go, which felt just impossible. (I mean not *actually* impossible, but completely and utterly pointless and miserable. I just had absolutely zero desire to run the rest of this race except that that seemed like probably the fastest way of getting back to civilization, given the lack of surface streets.)
I had hoped that because the first half of the race had felt mostly like a gradual but relentless climb, the second half would be a pleasant, subtle downhill. The problem with that logic was that the way out followed the American River Parkway bike trail, and at the turnaround you went down yet another brief yet super-steep downhill onto the levee trail. So, we got to spend the return trip on the lower trail gradually working our way back up to Parkway level.
I was holding my pace, more or less, but it was so hard, and people were getting more and more spread out, so you could spend fairly long periods of time running nearly entirely by yourself in the blistering sun. In tough races, I feel like the energy of people around me and the trappings that remind you you're actually running a race are a big part of what help me stay strong, but at this point there was just NOTHING for fairly long stretches. I might as well have been just out for a run on my own, which made all the misery start to seem like not really worth it.
(Also, while I certainly appreciate the musicians who volunteered to play on the course, I kept suffering crushing disappointment from spotting their tents on the horizon & mistaking them for aid stations. It kind of made me want to cry every time.)
I have a strategy for getting through the last 20-25% of a really hard race, which is to start counting backwards from 400 at each mile marker with three steps per count. (I think it's effective because it gives me something else to focus on and always helps me feel like I'm making some kind of progress when every tenth of a mile seems like an age unto itself.) So, I knew it was a bad sign when I found myself resorting to that mid-way through mile 7. My pace was definitely starting to slow, but I didn't really care; at that point I was just trying to run as fast as I could manage given the number of miles left, not because I thought I might salvage a kinda-sorta not-awful time but because I was so freaking miserable and couldn't bear the thought of staying out here any longer than I absolutely had to.
Mile 7 - 8:08
Mile 8 - 8:09
Mile 9 - 8:12
Weirdly, I found my pace picking up a little in the last 2 miles, probably because my mind and/or body decided that was a fairly manageable distance and it probably wouldn't kill me to run 0:10/mile faster. It was still hard and I felt like I might hit a wall at any moment, but at least it seemed like the folks around me were suffering at least as much or worse because, in spite of making zero effort to do so (see above), I found myself passing runner after runner as early as mile 9.
At that point the optimist poked its head up a little and I found myself thinking, "Okay, I don't really have speed right now, but what I DO have is a marathoner's strength and ability to endure a reasonably high level of discomfort for long periods of time." Yes, it sucked and I wished it were over, but physically, there was no doubt in my mind that I did actually have the ability get through it without the wheels coming off (which, to be honest, was also kind of depressing, because it kind of would've been a relief to just have my body quit *for* me).
I mean I literally don't think my brain would have let me slow down or walk even if I'd wanted to, because every part of me was just *so* opposed to anything that would delay the cessation of this wretched experience by even a moment.
I also had that weird experience that I kind of think I need to work on where with two miles to go, my body was 100% certain it absolutely, positively could not run even a tiny bit faster, and then HEY LOOK IT'S THE FINISH LINE, BETTER SPRINT THIS ONE IN AT 5K PACE BECAUSE WHY NOT.
I would like it noted that I was so pissed at the end of this race that I actually went out of my way to take an ironically happy finish photo:
#blessed #yolo #gratitude #f&@$allyall
So, yeah. Final score:
Official: 1:46:29/13.1 miles/8:08 pace
Garmin: 1:46:31/13.17 miles/8:05 pace
Overall: 106 out of 1248
Women: 27 out of 791
A/G: 5 out of 15
Okay, WTF 30-34 women?? Where you at??
I'm trying to figure out what my takeaways are for this race, and here's what I've got so far:
Even once it felt hard (read: mile 3), I hung on to within spitting distance of my goal pace for a good long while in spite of how completely miserable I felt. In fact, I think I was kind of using my anger and misery as fuel. Life skills!
I had a rough few miles in the 9-10-11 range, but I managed to come back after that and finish strong even though I basically wanted to die, and I think that says something about the strength I've been building up even though I'm not fast (for me) right now.
The runners who were ahead of me for most of the race were running sub-8:00 pace, and that period in miles 9-11 when my pace dropped off by 10-15 seconds was *still* when I passed the most people.
I was never passed by a woman I didn't eventually pass back.
Part of me keeps trying to be like, "Oh, look, your half marathon is worse than it was in 2010 when you barely trained. GOOD JOB YOU!" And so I have to keep beating that voice back by reminding myself that I've done zero LT training and almost zero speed training in nearly a year, and also instead of tapering for this race I ran a long, tough hill interval workout in 80° heat on Thursday (since I wasn't willing to skip a key workout).
In a way, I feel like I kind of unintentionally did end up practicing the back half because things got just so hard so early. Then again, it's hard to say that anything ever really accurately tests your ability to run the second half of a marathon at pace except the second half of a marathon.
So, yeah. If nothing else, it was definitely good practice if not with embracing the suck, then at least with managing & pushing through it (er, sort of), which I apparently do via violent mental rage & imagery.
Date: First Saturday in May (May 2, 2015 this year)
The Deal: This race is a fundraiser for the American River Parkway & is entirely volunteer-run.
Prices: $50 by 2/18; $65 by 4/28 (online deadline); $80 if registered at bib pickup (4/30 or 5/1) or on race morning.
Field Size: 1248 finishers in the runners' half marathon (I want to say they said the cap is 2000), 382 in the walkers' half marathon, & 224 in the 5K. There was also a half marathon walk relay and a half marathon wheel chair division.
Deadlines/sellout factor: There was race day registration, so you probably don't have to worry about rushing to sign up.
Staging:
The race was staged at William S. Pond Park on the banks of the American River. There were two start/finish lines (one for walkers that headed north & one for runners that headed south), lots of little tents for bib pickup/registration/gear check/local running groups/other organizations, a post-race food & drink area, and the obligatory giant line of port-a-potties.
The one thing that made me sad about the staging area was that there was almost NO natural shade, so the only areas where you could get out of the sun were the small tents, most of which were over grass. There were some picnic tables on concrete platforms, but these were not shaded. (Also there just weren't that many of them.)
The Course: From the website description of the runners' course: "For the runners, we start and travel along the scenic river-level trail until the turning point. From there, we turn and briefly travel back along the levee trail before crossing Sacramento's most famous footbridge known as the Little Golden Gate bridge - a classic suspension bridge that looks just like the most famous bridge in the world! Once you've crossed the river, you follow the Parkway's 'Lost Trail' for several miles taking in scenic views and running through forests on a path less traveled. Then, another crossing of the river over Sacramento's newest bridge, which returns you to the final three miles on your way to the finish line."
Part of me is wondering if maybe the course got changed between the time this was written and race day, because we definitely didn't cross any bridges (though we did run under the Little Golden Gate). Also, race directors....We have to have a little talk. This word 'scenic.' I do not think it means what you think it means. The only scenery on this course were trees. And not like particularly interesting or unique trees--just the regular kind. And there's nothing wrong with that! But don't call it scenic.
There were little music ensembles playing every mile or so, maybe, which was a lovely gesture, though I felt bad for them because, especially if they were past the first few miles, it must have been boring as hell a lot of the time. In the back half of the course when runners got really spread out, sometimes they would literally strike up a few chords as they saw me coming and then stop once I was gone (which I don't blame them for at all, even if course entertainment was my bag, which it's not). Speaking as a musician, I personally I am not a good enough person to volunteer for a gig like this.
Another thing to be aware of is that, because there isn't a lot of easy access to the Parkway, there's almost zero crowd support. There were a few knots of people here & there (also some surprisingly good signs, and I notoriously hate 'witty' race signs), but mostly you're just kind of out there on the open road. I don't usually miss crowd support but because this race was just so much straight, flat, nothing, it did get really mind-numbing at times and I just wanted *some* kind of stimulation to reassure me that, yes, I was actually making progress.
Something I thought they did a good job with was having volunteers out at spots to call your attention to things, like when we ran by this construction site & there was a big sort of speed bumb protecting a bunch of power cords running across the path to the site. They had two volunteers out there with big red flags being like, "Speed bump!! Don't trip!!"
Also, like I mentioned above, not much shade and a mile-long uphill stretch of gravel.
Parking:
This year different bib numbers were assigned different parking "zones" in the area surrounding the start at William B. Pond Park, with different arrival times. The race email had specified that my assigned parking zone should arrive between 6:00 & 6:30 in order to get parked and take the shuttle to the start. This was confusing to me because on the map it looked like the parking area (a residential area by the park) was pretty close to the start/finish area, but since the email included warnings like "If unforeseen circumstances interfere [with your arriving in the time window specified in the email], we will have bus service after your assigned arrival time, but we cannot guarantee on-time delivery," I decided to get there around 6:15ish.
Thankfully there was no traffic and thanks to the many signs it was easy to find and park in my designated zone (though, despite email warnings to the contrary, it did not seem like anyone was enforcing it.) I started walking towards the spot on the map with the little shuttle icon, but after maybe five minutes of walking towards the park I could see the start/finish, having never encountered a shuttle bus. (Later I did see a bunch of school buses driving around with runners getting on & off, but I never did figure out what the deal was with this since the parking was literally a 5-10 minute walk from the start. It would have been like a two-minute bus ride, max. It makes me wonder if some of the parking areas were significantly further away.)
Schwag:
Logo tech tee, nice medal, & I think the best post-race food I've ever had at any race. It was actually catered with different types of BIG wrap sandwiches (turkey, ham, veggie, etc.). I was actually really sad that in my post-race brain dead state I managed to douse mine in water. (I still ate almost half of it anyway.)
Overall Assessment:
I think this is a race some people will love and some people should never do again. It's a nice "big-small" race with a local feel, everything was well-organized and ran quite smoothly and overall they did a nice job with it. That said, it's unlikely that I personally will run it again, particularly given that it's almost 2 hours to get there and nearly 3 to get back (courtesy of west/SF bound Bay Area weekend traffic). It was maybe a little warmer than usual this weekend, but temps were really not much higher than historical averages and full sun in spring in the Central Valley is not rare, and I know from experience that I just do NOT run well in those conditions. Also, for me, personally, the course was mind-numbingly dull, and there is my intense, firey hatred for gravel to consider. But, if you live nearby and those things don't bother you, this could be a good choice for an excellent price if you're looking for a smallish, spring half.
As we begin a new year & a running blogger's fancy turns to thoughts of goal-setting and motivation, I am reminded of the deluge of Pithy Motivational Quotes with which my social media feed and I will no doubt soon be assaulted. If you missed the first round of this last January, I'll refer you to that post for a recap of my position on the matter. Though this kind of sums it up nicely:
Without further ado: The Straight Dope on Pithy Motivational Running/Fitness Quotes.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: There is a pretty remarkable correspondence between those who TRAIN INSANE!!!1! & those who end up sidelined with an injury and/or a chronic case of burnout. The only reliable exceptions are 1) legitimately baddass, seasoned athletes who have gradually worked their way up over time to a training schedule that may look to outsiders like !!INSANITY!! but in reality is completely appropriate given that particular athlete's background and experience, and 2) people who are convinced their schedule is a lot more !!INSANE!! than it actually is. Also, there's an enormous spectrum between !!TRAIN INSANE!! and 'remain the same.' But I guess "Reasonable and responsible plan taking into consideration both current fitness/ability level and achievable goals, or remain the same!" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: This lady has clearly never been in an outdoor hot tub in January with a beer after six hours of skiing. (Also, sometimes workouts just make you feel like ass. That makes you normal.)
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I mean, yes, as with most of this stuff, I see the tiny grain of truth they're getting at; day-to-day progress is not usually noticeable and it takes time to see measurable improvement, but if you really aren't seeing progress with a training plan or whatever over a reasonable time period, that is actually a very good reason to stop & see about doing something different.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: No, dude. Just....no. I mean I can see the first line if we're talking about racing or hard intervals or what have you, but if something hurts when you stop, either literally or figuratively, you probably need a) a medical professional or b) a good shrink.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: If this is true, I can only assume you only ever go on very, very easy runs.
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: Again...I mean I see what you're getting at here, but I can't be the only one here spotting some real logical inconsistencies. Limits are by definition things you can't defy. That's why they're called limits. It's one thing to believe your limit was x, and then find out through hard work & determination that, no, in fact, x is not your limit at all. Which is awesome! But that is not a case of defying your limits; it is a case of finding that what you believed to be your limit actually was not, which is not the same thing. I also think that a big part of growing up and becoming an adult is pushing your boundaries and doing a little exploration in order to find out what, exactly, those limits are so that you don't find yourself unexpectedly crashing into them. (Been there. Done that. Not recommended.) Just because you've done that exploratory work and found some of those limits doesn't make you lame.
Real Talk: It's a nice little fairy tale (and an extremely American one) that anyone can BE anything and ACHIEVE anything if they just TRY hard enough (and, y'know, spend enough money). IT IS NOT EFFING TRUE. You are not, in fact, 100% completely up to you. There are certain things in life you can control, but genes are real and circumstances are real and all that is going to have an impact. What I find especially insidious about this one is the implication that, if you don't have a particular type of body and wish you did, obviously it's completely your own fault & you just haven't worked hard enough. Friends, this is bullshit of the nastiest stripe. For the most part, you can improve your health through physical activity, but there is no training plan on earth that can magick the set of genes a person was born with into different ones. We're all just doing the best we can with what we've got, here, okay?
Pithy Quote:
Real Talk: Someone has been going to entirely the wrong sort of restaurants. Come to dinner with me sometime, you poor deprived thing, & maybe we can work on this dysfunctional food-and-exercise-are-matter-and-anti-matter construct you've got going on.
Run across any other "runspirational" / "fitspirational" platitudes lately that kind of make you want to vomit? Because sooner or later I am determined to mock them all.
As a kid I was an extremely messy, super hoarder-y person. I almost hyperventilated when somewhere around second grade my mom suggested that perhaps we didn't need to keep every single paper I ever brought home from school, and I definitely kept mental track of every toy and piece of clothing I had and fished them out of the trash/donation bin any time she tried to sneak something out that I didn't need or use anymore. I even hoarded a dead pet fish once because I couldn't bear the thought of parting with it. I can't possibly describe the face my dad made when he found it a week later.
The first couple of miles weren't too bad because there was more shade, but by the time we hit mile 3 there was less and less of it and more and more time fully exposed to direct sun. By the end of that mile I could tell I was working way harder than I should be to stay in the 8:00-8:10 range, which was a big blow to my morale because the whole point had been to practice marathon pace and I didn't really have a plan B. Should I try to hold the pace anyway, knowing it would be harder in the heat, and treat it as practice running the inevitably tougher second half of a marathon? Forget about pace & just try to run at marathon effort? Give up on marathon practice altogether & just get the long run miles in? Eventually I decided I'd just hold 8:00 pace as long as I could, and if I needed to run the last few miles at an easier pace, that was fine.
