Sunday, September 21, 2014

Some Epiphanies I've Had

Like I said in my last post, I have ideas & thoughts & hopes & plans running absolutely wild in my head, & when I try to think about how I might wrangle them all into a post that is both coherent and not 27 pages long, I feel totally overwhelmed & like I need to just go look at internet cat videos for a while. Which tends to result in posting nothing.

So, I'm trying the bite-sized approach. One piece at a time, and probably a lot of circling back over time, because this shit is all connected.

After I DNF'd in Santa Rosa, I had a nice, long, silent two-hour drive home in which to mull a lot of things over. That night I spent probably another two hours pouring my thoughts out unedited into a blog post that I knew I would not be ready to post for a while. But, having let it sit for nearly a month now & gotten through the crazy-making-breath-holding-limbotastic nightmare of waiting for the MRI & waiting for the results & waiting for the follow-up & being cleared of anything catastrophic, I think I have enough perspective now to put it out there.

Friends, I present to you some really honest epiphanies that came to me during & after the race, the type of honest you can only really be with yourself once all the stakes & pressure are off.

1) I am scared of long runs. I used to just say I hated them, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's at least partly fear--of the discomfort involved, of the monotony, of the logistics, of the huge chunks of sacrificed time in which I can't really do anything else. In terms of process-oriented vs. goal-oriented personality types, I am 100% unabashedly goal-oriented. I don't want to do things; I want them DONE, as soon as possible. This makes me really good at finishing what I start, hitting deadlines reliably, not procrastinating, and getting things done quickly; the downside is that in many cases I have a lot of trouble "enjoying the ride," as they say, and I sometimes find enormous, long-term tasks or projects so overwhelming that I become too demoralized to start.


Bullshit, are we there yet? How about now?

In the past, with marathon training, this has meant that I've usually done the bare minimum that I think I can get away with in terms of long runs. (This time around, I only missed two, both due to injuries, but since they didn't really get all that "long" until halfway through my training cycle, two is kind of a lot, percentage-wise.)

I realized before the race that I was really, truly going into it actively afraid of the distance, and I suspect the same is true of every other marathon I've ever run as well. Mentally, I think I've just never gotten all that comfortable with runs over about 15 miles, and if I'm going to continue running marathons, I've got to get over that. Which, I think, means establishing enough of a base *before* the real training starts so that 18-20 mile long runs are just part of the weekend routine, instead of something I build up to doing two or three times a few weeks before the race & spend my training cycle dreading and stressing about. I don't want to run another marathon until I'm able to stare down the barrel of these runs and not bat an eye because it no longer seems like such a big freaking deal.

2) Related to #1, if I can get to a place where I'm comfortably doing an 18-20 mile long run most weekends, I think it actually might help me mentally to run one or two full marathons at an easy, comfortable pace in the course of training for a goal marathon (say, four months & two months before a goal race). I think one of the reasons I've never totally gotten over my fear of the distance is that I run the full 26.2 rarely enough that I don't have the feel of it in my body the way I do with shorter distances I run more often. It would also give me more chances to practice logistics/fueling/etc. as well as the mental aspect of never stopping (whereas on long runs I typically make brief stops for water, traffic lights, etc.).

3) Related to #1 AND #2, the last couple of years have been cycle after cycle of shortchanging base-building because there was always some race I really wanted to run and I "just didn't have time" to spend weeks upon weeks running slow, easy miles because "I need to get fast NOW!" I was constantly telling myself I'd get back to it right after x race, which would turn into right after y race, and so on, and so on. As a result, I know my "aerobic engines" have suffered a bit in a way that doesn't really show up until you're doing marathon-type long runs. Basically I think my options at this point are 1) stop running marathons so I can get away with doing less of that type of training, or 2) admit I want to run more marathons, accept that that's part of it, & invest long-term in some serious base-building efforts before I even *think* about another goal marathon. Basically if I'm going to be a semi-decent marathoner (at least temporarily), I have to start acting like one.


It's like Nanna always said....

4) Somewhere in the last year or two, I've lost my hill mojo. Although SRM was generally flat, there were a good number of rather steep rollers in there, and I felt myself kind of mentally fall apart every time I saw one coming because I was just not prepared for it. I mean I doubt I will ever totally {heart} running hills, but I think I've maybe gotten too caught up in trying to make sure I hit my prescribed training paces every time out, which has meant that I've avoided the hilly routes I used to run regularly in favor of friendlier, more gently rolling ones. I know it will make me stronger if I suck it up & do at least a couple of easy runs a week on not-nasty-but-legit hills. (The trouble with this is the downhills. Going uphill hurts in the good way; downhill a lot of times hurts in the not-so-good way.) Tying this back into #1 above, it would probably be good if I did a long, hilly run at *least* once a month.


I mean, I live HERE...

5) I need to do more medium-long runs at goal marathon pace, even if only for the mental benefit. This is the one thing I've questioned about my training plans the last couple of times. There have been some GMP miles, but usually only a few at a time, or chunks stuck into the middle of monster track workouts. I'm a firm believer in keeping true long runs nice & easy and I know it's very easy to overdo the amount of running you do at GMP, but I think this is something I might bring up with Coach Tom the next time I train for a marathon & see if there's a smart way to integrate some mid-week GMP runs (say, 8-10 miles) occasionally. I felt like I had a hard time "dialing in" to that pace/effort level & getting into a groove at SRM, even when my hip was feeling fine, and I think personally I might do better at that if I have more practice running at that pace & getting what it feels like solidly into my body. (Also, I think it's probably time to finally admit out loud that I want that pace to be 8:00/mile. Sorry not sorry.)

Every one of these deserves its own post, but again, I'm trying to keep things bite-sized for now in the interest of, like, posting something consistently. I have more to say about each of them, so hopefully that will happen bit by bit over the next few weeks or months.

Post-Santa Rosa I decided to give myself a month of much-needed (relative) sloth, but as of Monday I think it's probably time to get back on some sort of schedule & start holding myself accountable for putting this stuff into practice. I have a hard time doing that when I'm not training for something imminent, so hopefully forcing myself to blog regularly again will help.

15 comments:

  1. I used to fear the long runs too. I was scared of the basics - not being able to finish and being stuck miles from home and having to walk. I'm pretty sure it was running with a group that helped me most get over the fear. I was distracted for a lot of it. The miles just seemed to disappear. And I enjoyed the company so much that I started to really look forward to the session as my favourite of the week.

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    1. I really wish I could run with people more often! Alas, my schedule is usually too tight for it. :(

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  2. This all makes a lot of sense, yet #2 gives me pause. I think it's a balancing act between being good at running long distance (requires practice) and being good at running long term (requires care and caution). I don't think an occasional 18 miler is a bad idea at all, perhaps even as often once a month, to train your mind and body to accept the distance. But any longer than that, and any more often than that, and you may do more harm than good. Keep in mind that I have no training or certification in this area at all, and this is just my opinion, but something about 20 miles is just very hard on the body - not just wear-and-tear hard, but hard in a sense that it exhausts you, it triggers a stress response, and it can send you into a spiral of hunger, fatigue, overtraining, and burnout. And 26 miles is very hard indeed. So I would just recommend that you approach the idea of "long runs every weekend" with caution, and definitely with appropriate build-up (as I expect you would, as an experienced runner).

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    1. I completely agree with Gracie - though I should say I also am no expert. I guess what you have going for you, compared to the average Joe/Jane, is that an 18-20 miler wouldn't take over 3 hours, and therefore be less stressful for your body. However, it does seem pretty hard on your body and your psyche to be constantly in marathon training mode.

      I have nothing to back this up, but perhaps it would be better to do back-to-back medium long runs over the weekend (like 13 +13) in get your body used to fatigue but at lower risk? I dunno -- I think this is what ultra runners do. Since I started MAF training, I've become a big fan of, "just run for 2 hours and see how many miles that is." It seems to me the main point of long runs isn't necessarily mileage but time spent on your feet.

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    2. The reason I'm not too worried about it is that everyone I know who is about at my level in terms of experience & PRs & is professionally coached runs at least 18 miles once a week as part of marathon training, & they've said it's really helped them both physically & mentally to get to a place where they can run that distance & have it feel like NBD, as opposed to running those types of distances just a few times in the last couple of months before their race where yeah, it totally DOES wreck your body, because your body's not used to it.

      I mean, don't get me wrong--it's something I would have to work up to gradually over several months, and take a step back if it felt like it was too much. (This is all contingent on how things go with my hip & figuring out that problem, obviously.) But just based on the experience of other runners I know who are a lot like me, I don't think it's unreasonable to shoot for.

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  3. That sounds mostly sensible. I think long runs at *truly* easy pace can be done, with caution - and perhaps it might help mentally to do the run for time instead of distance.

    You probably feel like you have unfinished business with the marathon right now, but this might also be a good time to assess whether you really want to do marathons in the long term and for what reason/s. There's absolutely no shame in sticking to shorter distances and focusing on speed, or being a 'bucket list' runner who'll do one or two marathons for the sake of having done them (my husband is one of these folks - he's doing a 50K trail ultra in November and is a 'one and done' sort - he knows he can complete it safely and wants to be able to say he's done it. Me, on the other hand...I like my long runs as therapy and am doggedly analytical about incremental improvements!)

    But yeah, I have no idea how to 'exercise' (vs train for something), either.

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    1. Heh. Unfinished business. Yes, that. :)

      I doubt I will continue running marathons regularly in the long term--I just don't enjoy them as much as shorter distances--but I do want to feel like I gave it my best shot, & thus far I don't feel like I ever really have.

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  4. I have the tendency to do the same things with long runs: worry about them, skimp on them, never quite build a base. It's fine if that's what you want to do, but if you have a goal, then it doesn't work that well.

    I too am putting myself back on a schedule soon! Take the lessons and apply them!

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  5. I fully accept that I'm not a 'scientific' runner who knows all the theory but I can't see how running long runs at a slow pace can help you run a marathon quickly. Yes there's the danger of exhausting yourself but surely practising long runs at marathon pace is a logical thing to do? I always try to build 'faster' miles into my long runs for that reason.

    I also agree that getting used to longer distances is a good thing. I only run halves so may not be qualified to speak about marathons but doing 12 milers (aka close to 'race distance') definitely increased my confidence that I could cover the distance and push it at race pace.

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    1. The whole aerobic run-slower-to-run-faster is definitely counterintuitive & I totally did not believe it until I read up on the science (which is all over the internet, so I won't try to rehash it here). The super super super short version is that running slow and running comfortably fast use different systems in your body, & you get the best results from evenly developing both, & I have been very very bad lately about developing only the second & ignoring the first.

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  6. I have some ideas for you. Like, seriously. I'm not bullshitting like usual. And I often have good ideas...like donuts after races ;)

    You should contact me.

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    1. Totally up for chatting sometime! (Though I will be honest--I am up to my eyeballs in advice right now.....)

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  7. As my Mom likes to say, "How complicated can it be... don't you just go out and run?" It's really a mindset that only other runners can understand, the desire to keep improving and avoid the dreaded plateau. I'm a big fan of both hills and GMP runs... since I moved to L.A. from the Bay Area last year, I've substituted many of my regular hilly workouts for GMP runs, which hopefully will yield dividends in Berlin later this week. Best of luck laying out your training priorities for the coming months.

    Re: RunSafe, I scheduled an appointment and went through their program soon after they began the clinic several years ago. It's a bit of a whirlwind experience, since they hurry you from station to station along with several other runners. In the final analysis I went home with almost too MUCH actionable information, including a thick packet of printouts detailing the many exercises I should do to correct I-wasn't-sure-what (when in doubt, clamshells!). Of course I've not opened the packet since. But this is the tricky part of injury prevention -- you can never prove a negative (if I don't get injured, was it because of the exercises or because I'm simply less susceptible?), and you're not likely to care until, well, you're injured. Hopefully you'll have a more helpful experience since you'll have a specific injury/injury history to share, and I'll be interested to read about it. In any case, hope you're on the mend and running at 8:00/mile GMP soon! - Mike

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    1. Thanks!!

      Heh, yeah, I'll be super interested to see what the RunSafe folks say. Better too much info than not enough, I guess? Maybe?

      And argh, yes, that whole you-can't-prove-a-negative thing is QUITE, quite annoying. :P

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